Life has a certain way of being consistently inconsistent. It's the only thing we can count on. Not even death and taxes are certain. If we want death it won't find us, if we want life somehow it is taken at the wrong time. Taxes, well, they are certain to the extent they affect us somehow...usually in the form of an IRS audit. That, and for me, it is my job.
I think some days I just wonder if I can beat "life". Can I expect the worst and hope for the best? Baby Daddy has in one way or another been avoiding his son. All together. Some recent events upset me, and I cried. Not a big fan of it , but usually it gets the frustration out. I cry in private, as I think that it is a private emotion. Unless there's whiskey involved. I blame Jack for those nights.
To get to the point, my mom sees that I am upset, and says "we just can't catch a break". Or can we? What things in life have we come to expect, and are we jaded for thinking the worst? I'm in the middle where I find life to be a rollercoaster, enjoy the highs and survive the lows. I sincerely think I am about to adopt the cliche "cherish every moment" because you never know when someone can be gone. I have decided that prioritizing what is most important to you and living for it is the way to go. My priority is enjoy and live in every moment, simply because when that moment is gone you never get it back, and you never know if you'll have another one like it.
I realize these words are more like an avatar for emo pages, but I am realizing what matters to me and what doesn't. For example, if I fall short of an expectation on a work project, it is not as important as missing moments of my son's life. If I need a break from mommyhood, being 21 again is not the end of the world, so long as I stay responsible.
Im short (for me anyway), I am realizing life is life, and like a poker game, sometimes you get crap and sometimes you have aces. Keep your poker face on and just play the game.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Thin Mints & baby boomers
Thin Mints & baby boomers
Category: Food and Restaurants
What do you get when you throw into a mixer ugly hippie colors, patches, and signs? The answer is twofold: kids of the baby boomers and the damn girl scouts.
I have nothing against the organization itself, as I was once a girl scout. In fact, I sold enough cookies to go to camp, and it inevitably is the reason I will not eat spaghetti anymore.
My personal life aside, there are thousands of these snot-nosed little nature brats running around trying to sell me 5,000 calories in a box. I reckon it to the annoying little girls in Mexico whose parents send them out to sell chiclets, only the girl scouts parents' gain is not financial, but rather a weekend alone with their girls at camp.
Five times this week, these girls have tortured me with their thin mints and samoas, and on top of it all,they use the sweet innocent little girl routine to get what they want.
I'm happy to say that I've resisted all five solicitations this week. Likely, I'll be seeing their moms going into Jenny Craig post cookie season, while I muse the rise of childhood obesity and fit back into my pre-baby jeans. But damn, those freaking thin mints sound so good.....
Category: Food and Restaurants
What do you get when you throw into a mixer ugly hippie colors, patches, and signs? The answer is twofold: kids of the baby boomers and the damn girl scouts.
I have nothing against the organization itself, as I was once a girl scout. In fact, I sold enough cookies to go to camp, and it inevitably is the reason I will not eat spaghetti anymore.
My personal life aside, there are thousands of these snot-nosed little nature brats running around trying to sell me 5,000 calories in a box. I reckon it to the annoying little girls in Mexico whose parents send them out to sell chiclets, only the girl scouts parents' gain is not financial, but rather a weekend alone with their girls at camp.
Five times this week, these girls have tortured me with their thin mints and samoas, and on top of it all,they use the sweet innocent little girl routine to get what they want.
I'm happy to say that I've resisted all five solicitations this week. Likely, I'll be seeing their moms going into Jenny Craig post cookie season, while I muse the rise of childhood obesity and fit back into my pre-baby jeans. But damn, those freaking thin mints sound so good.....
I want to pity myself
It all looks the same to me anymore. Day to day. Week to week. Life is a routine of wake up, cram in as much as is possible (stressing about it all the while) until my body crashes and tells me it's time to sleep...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
In a convenience generation where there are more options available to me than ever before I'm still running a rat race. I can renew my library materials online. I don't have to leave my house to rent a movie or buy music. I can buy my groceries online. Short of my son learning to change his own diaper, everything is available faster and easier for me.
Yet I am running around chaotic. Every day is a scramble. And I envy the man with the two dogs in his car driving under the speed limit because he has the time.
After some deep thought (ie- a Starbucks high on my drive home) I came to the following conclusion: I need simplicity.
I create mass chaos running errands and performing unnecessary tasks. Instead of taking a walk with my son and getting sunshine and vitamin D, I run to the gym & tanning salon & then the grocery store for vitamin supplements.
Since I started college eight years ago, I've been living to survive. Semester to semester. Busy season to busy season. Slowly, this woman who was on a mission stole my life.
I am sending a message to her loud and clear: I want it BACK.
To get it I will simplify. I'm cleaning out my closets; ridding myself of any habit that does not further a goal of mine. The clutter is going in the trash. I'm downgrading everything I possibly can at the moment and moving back to the beach.
I want to be in the slow lane with the man and his two dogs, pitying the speeding woman in the SUV.
In a convenience generation where there are more options available to me than ever before I'm still running a rat race. I can renew my library materials online. I don't have to leave my house to rent a movie or buy music. I can buy my groceries online. Short of my son learning to change his own diaper, everything is available faster and easier for me.
Yet I am running around chaotic. Every day is a scramble. And I envy the man with the two dogs in his car driving under the speed limit because he has the time.
After some deep thought (ie- a Starbucks high on my drive home) I came to the following conclusion: I need simplicity.
I create mass chaos running errands and performing unnecessary tasks. Instead of taking a walk with my son and getting sunshine and vitamin D, I run to the gym & tanning salon & then the grocery store for vitamin supplements.
Since I started college eight years ago, I've been living to survive. Semester to semester. Busy season to busy season. Slowly, this woman who was on a mission stole my life.
I am sending a message to her loud and clear: I want it BACK.
To get it I will simplify. I'm cleaning out my closets; ridding myself of any habit that does not further a goal of mine. The clutter is going in the trash. I'm downgrading everything I possibly can at the moment and moving back to the beach.
I want to be in the slow lane with the man and his two dogs, pitying the speeding woman in the SUV.
Straight from the horse’s mouth
This is a preferred blog, and one of the unusual type for me. It just happened to seem like the best way to solicit advice from those whose opinion I value the most. And instead of calling every one of you to ask the same question I thought I'd ask it here. Write away, and PLEASE be honest. I know that most everyone I know (with the exception of a lucky few) come from a family situation that is less than "leave it to beaver". So I need to know what you think.
For those of you that do not have the exact story of my being knocked up- here goes it:
I slept with a guy who I have been friends with for 5 years when he came to visit on his birthday. We've been flirting for years (most of it when he lived in SD). His best friend had a thing for me and had met me first so it never went anywhere out of courtesy. He became married, and we put it off. Then he and his wife became divorced and when he came to visit last, the inevitable happened. At the time I did not think so much of it, being on the pill and knowing him for so long. Plus, let's face it- I am not one to hold back if I want something or someone. Long story short- I'm knocked up.
Daddy dearest was in favor of abortion- those who know me know I could never have one. So I gave up everything in what I believe honestly is the best decision I have made in my whole life. However, my little innocent man does not yet know the situation into which he's been born. Someday he will. I want to say someday that I did everything I could and I did it the right way.
The father is still at this point in favor of what we both believe is the best for us, however, after thinking about it I don't believe it's the best for the baby. Dad, as I will call him, does not want to be only a part-time father and given the distance (he lives not in SD or CO) believes it best for the baby that when I marry someday (if luck will have it ;)) that the baby will have a present father whom should have the right to adopt him. He wants to sign off all of his parental rights to me. He may not even be included on the birth certificate. I personally think this is the easiest solution as sharing custody with someone would be difficult. But what do I owe to the little man? I told the father that I would prefer he not sign over his rights because I don't want to discourage him in any way from feeling like he cannot contact his son. I think I owe that to Kieren regardless of what is easier. Do I want to deal with it all? No. But that's not fair. So I explained that it is his decision and I don't want to push him into anything either way. I explained that we can notarize an agreement that states he is off the hook for child support (I don't need it nor do I want it if he does not want to be involved. If he does change his mind- different story).
Here's the thing: I don't want to make more of this than it is. I want the father to be able to decide for himself, but I also want to be able to look my son in the eye when he is able to understand me and tell him that I never ever turned his father away or encouraged anything but involvement. My question is this: Do I tell the father I think it's shitty that he doesn't want anything to do with his child and at least state my case, or do I continue as I have done and tell him that it is his decision to make and let it go?
I know it was my decision to keep the baby (in my opinion there is no other option) and I imagine this is not easy for him to take in. But consider that I am the one who endures the nine FULL months of foot swelling, back aching, exhaustion yet inability to sleep, and constant jabs to the ribs. I am the one who is carrying a child looking like the freaking pilsbury dough boy, putting dating on hold, while he is fucking his ex-wife and dating. I am the one who uprooted my entire life and freedom to give a person a chance at life. Not that I didn't do it willingly and most times with a smile on my face, but the one thing it is not is easy.
Help. I feel a little lost. And I hate that.
For those of you that do not have the exact story of my being knocked up- here goes it:
I slept with a guy who I have been friends with for 5 years when he came to visit on his birthday. We've been flirting for years (most of it when he lived in SD). His best friend had a thing for me and had met me first so it never went anywhere out of courtesy. He became married, and we put it off. Then he and his wife became divorced and when he came to visit last, the inevitable happened. At the time I did not think so much of it, being on the pill and knowing him for so long. Plus, let's face it- I am not one to hold back if I want something or someone. Long story short- I'm knocked up.
Daddy dearest was in favor of abortion- those who know me know I could never have one. So I gave up everything in what I believe honestly is the best decision I have made in my whole life. However, my little innocent man does not yet know the situation into which he's been born. Someday he will. I want to say someday that I did everything I could and I did it the right way.
The father is still at this point in favor of what we both believe is the best for us, however, after thinking about it I don't believe it's the best for the baby. Dad, as I will call him, does not want to be only a part-time father and given the distance (he lives not in SD or CO) believes it best for the baby that when I marry someday (if luck will have it ;)) that the baby will have a present father whom should have the right to adopt him. He wants to sign off all of his parental rights to me. He may not even be included on the birth certificate. I personally think this is the easiest solution as sharing custody with someone would be difficult. But what do I owe to the little man? I told the father that I would prefer he not sign over his rights because I don't want to discourage him in any way from feeling like he cannot contact his son. I think I owe that to Kieren regardless of what is easier. Do I want to deal with it all? No. But that's not fair. So I explained that it is his decision and I don't want to push him into anything either way. I explained that we can notarize an agreement that states he is off the hook for child support (I don't need it nor do I want it if he does not want to be involved. If he does change his mind- different story).
Here's the thing: I don't want to make more of this than it is. I want the father to be able to decide for himself, but I also want to be able to look my son in the eye when he is able to understand me and tell him that I never ever turned his father away or encouraged anything but involvement. My question is this: Do I tell the father I think it's shitty that he doesn't want anything to do with his child and at least state my case, or do I continue as I have done and tell him that it is his decision to make and let it go?
I know it was my decision to keep the baby (in my opinion there is no other option) and I imagine this is not easy for him to take in. But consider that I am the one who endures the nine FULL months of foot swelling, back aching, exhaustion yet inability to sleep, and constant jabs to the ribs. I am the one who is carrying a child looking like the freaking pilsbury dough boy, putting dating on hold, while he is fucking his ex-wife and dating. I am the one who uprooted my entire life and freedom to give a person a chance at life. Not that I didn't do it willingly and most times with a smile on my face, but the one thing it is not is easy.
Help. I feel a little lost. And I hate that.
Adventures in Mommyhood - preface
Being a mom is a lot like partying like a rockstar. I am up all hours of the day & night (and I never know when I can sleep or will!), my attention is centered around a boy (a really cute one), there is plenty of cleaning up puke and bowel movements, and my nipples hurt. But the high is unlike any other that can come from a chemically manufactured substance.
Being a mom elicits a euphoria unlike anything I can explain. If you are a mom, you understand. If you are not a mother (this includes being a father) and have ever been in love with someone, then you can somewhat relate. If you multiply that feeling by a thousand and add a deep bond, you come up with motherhood.
I'll highlight the important details of the last few days as I could go on forever and would have a Nicholas Sparks novel if I kept writing about how much I love my son.
A week before I was due to go into labor my doctor said I would likely be late so I didn't expect to go right away. My sister came in from San Diego on Sunday (two days after my due date) so I was hoping to go when she got here. By day four I was pretty anxious to go, so I went out walking around all day, drank castor oil & raspberry tea, and took primrose oil capsules. I felt as though I was having back labor but couldn't tell for sure since pregnancy induces back pain anyway.
At 1 AM on Tuesday I began contractions that were approximately two minutes apart. At 2:30 I called the hospital to ask if I should come in and the nurse said that unless my water broke or I was crying through contractions I should wait. Since I'm not much of a crier and by 4 AM the pains were hard to walk through and getting worse, I woke up the family and went into the birthing center.
I was 3 cm at arrival and in an hour was up to 4--I was admitted! Immediately I asked for the epidural since I figured that I have no coach, doula or midwife to help me with labor management. Best decision I ever made. The anesthesiologist administered the shot when I hit 5 cm and I can tell you contractions are much more fun when you are watching them on a screen instead of every two minutes experiencing a minute and a half of intense pain.
To speed through I continued to dilate 1 cm per hour and at 6 cm the doctor broke my water and within an hour and a half I was at 10 cm. The nurse advised me not to push until I felt the urge since it is harder to push with an epidural when you can't feel much. An hour and a half later I was pushing, and after 50 minutes, I had a little boy. 21.5 inches; 8lbs., half an ounce at 11:58 AM. He was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It looks like he'll be a blondie with blue eyes.
Day one was pretty amazing. Even though I had not slept the night before there was so much action and emotion that I didn't care. I had him with me every minute I could! That night was a bit rough as he was being tested for his blood sugar levels and with all the other testing he was pretty fussy and I was tired. But we survived and were able to come home just 24 hours after he was born. The dr. advised I stay another night but with my family in town I convinced him it would be more comfortable for all of us =)
The first few days are tough; as though you'd been on a bender for 3 days without all the fun stuff to keep you going. The thing is, he is just so amazing that he was my fun stuff ;) Even when he'd wake me up crying I would look at his face and am so smitten that I couldn't care less about being woken up.
I am slowly catching up on sleep and getting him in a routine. I do, however, feel as though I got breast implants. By day 4 they were hard as a rock and I went up about two cup sizes. It looks weird to me, but I am happy to have my breasts be what sticks out again as opposed to my stomach!
I have to say I absolutely love motherhood and although I am not fond of being pregnant, he was worth the wait.
Being a mom elicits a euphoria unlike anything I can explain. If you are a mom, you understand. If you are not a mother (this includes being a father) and have ever been in love with someone, then you can somewhat relate. If you multiply that feeling by a thousand and add a deep bond, you come up with motherhood.
I'll highlight the important details of the last few days as I could go on forever and would have a Nicholas Sparks novel if I kept writing about how much I love my son.
A week before I was due to go into labor my doctor said I would likely be late so I didn't expect to go right away. My sister came in from San Diego on Sunday (two days after my due date) so I was hoping to go when she got here. By day four I was pretty anxious to go, so I went out walking around all day, drank castor oil & raspberry tea, and took primrose oil capsules. I felt as though I was having back labor but couldn't tell for sure since pregnancy induces back pain anyway.
At 1 AM on Tuesday I began contractions that were approximately two minutes apart. At 2:30 I called the hospital to ask if I should come in and the nurse said that unless my water broke or I was crying through contractions I should wait. Since I'm not much of a crier and by 4 AM the pains were hard to walk through and getting worse, I woke up the family and went into the birthing center.
I was 3 cm at arrival and in an hour was up to 4--I was admitted! Immediately I asked for the epidural since I figured that I have no coach, doula or midwife to help me with labor management. Best decision I ever made. The anesthesiologist administered the shot when I hit 5 cm and I can tell you contractions are much more fun when you are watching them on a screen instead of every two minutes experiencing a minute and a half of intense pain.
To speed through I continued to dilate 1 cm per hour and at 6 cm the doctor broke my water and within an hour and a half I was at 10 cm. The nurse advised me not to push until I felt the urge since it is harder to push with an epidural when you can't feel much. An hour and a half later I was pushing, and after 50 minutes, I had a little boy. 21.5 inches; 8lbs., half an ounce at 11:58 AM. He was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It looks like he'll be a blondie with blue eyes.
Day one was pretty amazing. Even though I had not slept the night before there was so much action and emotion that I didn't care. I had him with me every minute I could! That night was a bit rough as he was being tested for his blood sugar levels and with all the other testing he was pretty fussy and I was tired. But we survived and were able to come home just 24 hours after he was born. The dr. advised I stay another night but with my family in town I convinced him it would be more comfortable for all of us =)
The first few days are tough; as though you'd been on a bender for 3 days without all the fun stuff to keep you going. The thing is, he is just so amazing that he was my fun stuff ;) Even when he'd wake me up crying I would look at his face and am so smitten that I couldn't care less about being woken up.
I am slowly catching up on sleep and getting him in a routine. I do, however, feel as though I got breast implants. By day 4 they were hard as a rock and I went up about two cup sizes. It looks weird to me, but I am happy to have my breasts be what sticks out again as opposed to my stomach!
I have to say I absolutely love motherhood and although I am not fond of being pregnant, he was worth the wait.
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